The Happy Hour Bitch Mob

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Happy Hour Bitch Mob: And Why Its Necessary

New York is a hard city. Its hard to find your way, its hard to find the right apartment, its hard to find a quality relationship, its hard to find a clean place to pee. Its just hard. So hard at times, work is actually our most comfortable place. Yes we complain about our jobs and we’re constantly keeping an ear out for better ones but for many of us there is a comfort in getting into your office settling in with your coffee and typing really fast. You get to see familiar faces (that you may or not be able to stand) you get to order from a familiar lunch spot, you get to do some solid work on your Tumblr. Most importantly from 3pm on you get to look forward to bitching at Happy Hour and that’s why every girl needs a Happy Hour Bitch Mob. That group of 2 or 3 women who show up to work every day, do their jobs well and look happy doing it but come glass number three of Sauvignon Blanc can serve every employee their ass on a platter from the receptionist to the owner. It’s not pretty but its necessary. If we don’t blow off steam in a dark bar over half priced drinks the potential for workplace homicide is tripled – this is scientifically proven. I don’t care how happy you are at your job, you cannot physically be around these people all day every day without needing to vent every once and a while. Even if its just to vent about that bitch in accounting who always asks you if you’re still with that guy when she knows good goddamn well you’re not. Sorry. * Breaths Deeply * Anyway who you vent to is more important than how often you vent, where you vent and why. So here are my five golden rules for developing your bitch mob and a list of my favorite spots to commence your bitchin’

Rule #1: Keep it Small. I don’t care if you work in an office of 12 or 200, your bitch mob should be no more than 3. Any more than 3 people its not longer a bitch mob its just a bunch of bitter bitches in a bar.

Rule #2: Keep it Exclusive. Only invite girls who you have a very defined relationship with. Don’t invite the new girl out for a bitch session, don’t invite someone you’re trying to get closer to and whatever you don’t invite that sneaky little suck up who does whatever you ask, because (and this is a good rule of thumb for any scenario) if someone is kissing your ass that hard you can bet that someone is smooching ass elsewhere. And the best way to suck up to anyone is with information…she is recording everything you’re saying with her iPhone.

Rule #3: Keep it Light. I know the drinks are cheap but this is not your opportunity to get sloshed. A man hunting happy hour yes, a bitch mob happy hour no. If you know that tequila either makes you lose your panties or your boundaries than stick to something else. Don’t mix your drinks and sip slooooow. Its one thing to bitch its quite another to talk your way out of a job.

Rule #4: Learn How To Double Talk. I know it sounds deceitful and slick but that’s only because it is. These people are your co-workers not your life partners, you need to practice some level of savvy. You must learn the art of double talking so that it becomes extremely difficult for people to use your words against you. Here’s an example I’m especially proud of in which Girl #1 wants to express that she doesn’t think a certain employee is good at her job and would rather the words come out of someone else’s’ mouth…

Girl #1: “I swear to God if she gets that contract its only because she has something on them” Girl #2: “I bet you’re right she is totally holding something over their heads” Girl #1 “Oh for sure, she knows what she’s doing. Not to say she’s not good at her job” Girl #2 “But its not because she’s good at her job” Girl #1: Oh so you think she’s sucks at her job…I guess I agree with you”

Rule #5: Create an Even Playing Field. Try to contain the Bitch Mob to women who are on or close to your level at work. Entry level gripes are very different from Senior level gripes, even if your best friends the conversation will eventually get uncomfortable if you are too far apart in level at work. No assistant making $35k a year wants to hear someone making twice her salary complain about vacation days.

Spaces and Places

I’m all about wine bars for Happy Hour Bitch Mobs. You can go to any happy hour for other purposes but if your purpose is to kick back with a couple of girls from work and bitch then wine bars fit the bill. There aren’t as many men at wine bars or at least the ones you should be trying to date…sorry…so there won’t be the distraction of the hunting. Wine and Women go together. You can get drunk but there’s less chance of tears and/or loud cursing drunk – cocktails can get messy especially when you’re already pissed off.

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LA CAVA

2nd Avenue between 49th and 50th

Cute, Italian Wine Bar. Open late. Comfy and chic and the food is above bar decent.

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CASK BAR + KITCHEN 

167 East 33rd Street

Cask can get a little cramped but sometimes that’s what you need to drown out the sound of your raving bitterness. The drinks are yummy and the risk of meeting someone that will snap you out of bitch mode is higher here than other places.

 

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BURGER & BARREL

25 W Houston St

Good pick in Soho because not many people know they launched a happy hour from 4 – 6pm…so you can pig out on burger and wine with less chance of anyone finding you.

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LELABAR

422 Hudson St

A great option in the WestVillage, Happy Hour till 7pm. Love this place for this exact purpose. Its beautiful, calm and just screams office gossip.

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THE BOURGEOIS PIG

111 E 7th St

Affordable, good lighting and I can attest to the fact that the staff will let you sit there and bitch all night if you want

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